Van Helsing Parody!
by cubanagurl
Summary: Hmmm...what do you get when you have a monster hunter,a corset babe,Frankenstein's monster,wolfmen,Dracula,brides,A friar,and a very insane writter...A PARODY!
1. Chapter 1

Van Helsing Parody!

**Yes,ladies and gentleman it is another parody...but not with the help of Nick..(sorry that story is taking long...I just need Nick to help out)...This time the parody is about the movie itself(Van Helsing). Enjoy!**

_Movie begins,the screen shows...WHAT THE?_

(Shows video of Two Girls and a Cup)

Audience:Ewww...

cubanagurl: What in the world? Who did this?

(Dracula is in video room,laughing,dead body is on floor)

cubanagurl: *glares at Dracula*

Dracula: o.0 Alright...here's the movie,geez,I can't have any fun...

MOVIE STARTS! NO INTERRUPTIONS! IF YOU ARE SO SCARED THAT YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS,THEN DON'T WATCH IT (or read it in this case...lolz)

* * *

(Black and white,thunder rumbles. A mob is outside with chainsawsand one of them is a midgit running with Freddy Krueger knives)

Gravedigger: Yo,what up with the dramatic music? Get some tune on,DJ.

Midgit: Yeah,ya heard him,play the cool music..

Random Villager: Shut up Mini-Me...

Midgit: Aw hell naw! I aint gonna stand here and be called ''Mini-me'' you prejudiced bastard! *gets out a machine gun,and kills the villager*

Gravedigger: Gaw,damn it! Where in the hell is that freaken Castle?

(Big arrow points forward,saying,'To Castle Frankenstein)

Midgit: Right there! Now lets move it!

_In Castle Frankenstein:_

Victor:Its alive...ITS ALIVE!

Igor: We know that,doctor. That's why the damn thing is moving!

(Noises rage on outside. Victor looks outside to see the mob with a radio. 'Can't Touch This' is playing)

Victor:Oh,how murderous they look! You know,MC Hammer actually make them look badass,right Igor? Igor?

Igor:*dancing around the room*

(At one point of the song,Dracula comes in singing)

Dracula: STOP! Dracula Time! I love saying that!

(Victor jumps at the singing voice of the Count's)

Victor: Oh...its just_ you_,Count. Is that a new outfit?

Dracula: Yes...do you like it? I got it from Michael Jackson...*sarcasm* NOO you idiot! Its not a new outfit! (Seriously,Drac's outfit looks like Michael Jackson's,in one video..I am not making fun of Michael Jackson...He's awesome!)

Victor: Well,sorry! I just thought it was new. Its all clean and stuff...

Dracula:*a wtf look* It's called having a washer machine,imbecile...

Victor: I am not an imbecile! Anyways, why are you here,Count?

(Dracula looks around at inventions,and sees Fangoria:Playboy Edition on of the cabinets)

Dracula: No way...You have this edition of Fangoria? *grabs the magazine tightly*

Victor: Yup...and no you cannot borrow it!

Dracula: *grunts,as Victor looks away,he hides it in his jacket* Oh and I am here because...uh...I..uh need to borrow your creation *says this as innocently as he can*

Victor: Nope,not happening.

Dracula: *growls* Do you ever wonder why I comforted you when you got your flu shot,when I made pizza with you?

Victor:*nods,smiles like a lil kid* Cuz you are my buddy!

Dracula:*Feels the urge to puke allover Victor's face. he looked grossed out at Victor* NO YOU IDIOT! You are sooo stupid! You'll never understand anything,will you? I only earned your trust so that I can steal your creation!

Victor: And...*gulps nervously* what purpose would that be?

Dracula:*laughes evily* To make my children live!

Victor: huh? Wouldn't you just get a woman that can have live children?

Dracula: *sighes* Ahh...Victor...Victor...You see,I cannot do this...because I am...A VAMPIRE!

Victor: *gasps* Edward Cullen is going to kill me! Get away sparkly! AWAY! *Stands on a table like a lunatic, grabs a binkie*

Dracula:o.0 What? I am not Edward...uhh

Twilight Fans: CULLEN!

Dracula: Who freaken cares? i don't even like that pixie boy! He's a disgrace to all of us vampires!(sorry Twilight fans) And I don't sparkle...the ladies love me just by my ultimate *booms in a microphone* MACHO-NESS!

Fangirls: *sighes dreamily*

cubanagurl: JUST GET ALONG WITH THE MOVIE,PLEASE?

Dracula: Fine! And yes, Victor,I will steal your creation,make my babies live,and SEDUCE ANNA! o.0 Woops...I wasn't supposed to say that *puts his To-Do list away*...

Victor: Noooo...Help me Igor!

Igor: Sorry,doctor...you are caring,thoughtful...but he pays me

Victor:...Oh yeah...with what?

Igor: CHOCOLATE! And he even got me a Golden Ticket! *starts singing that Golden Ticket song*

Dracula:*slaps hand on forehead* idiots...*Goes to Victor and kills him*

Frankenstein Monster: *gets out of bed thingy and throws handsome Dracula in the fire* HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

Igor:? oh I remember what happened...I must have put that Britney Spears CD in there...

Frankenstein Monster:*graps Victor's corpse,and runs out of the castle*

Igor: FRANKENSTEIN! *thinks a moment* Wait,why in the world am I exclaiming his name?*shrugs,and leaves*

Gravedigger:This way!

(The villagers run behind Gravedigger,while the midgit carries the radio. It plays: 'Don't cha',by Pussycat Dolls)

Frankenstein:*goes in windmill,filled with abinsinthe,vodka,mojitos,martinis,margaritas,etc..* I am not a girl...not yet a woman!

Mob: What the- *gasps* what's that?

(Midgit turns song to The Wicked Witch of the West theme,seeing that the vampires are here)

Mob: RUUUNNNNNNN! The evil sparklies!

Dracula in Hell-beast form: GARRR! FOR THE LAST TIME I-UH I MEAN 'WE' ARE NOT SPARKLY!

Frankenstein: I must confess,of my lonliness...its killing me nowwww don't you know I still believe! *as he sings this he falls in the windmill*

The Brides: NOOOOOOO HE'SSS GONEE! 1-Our children 2- WE LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS! *sobs,whines*

Dracula:*Wishes he can kill himself cuz he cannot stand the annoying brides* Shut up! You are so annoying! I believe he might be still alive,but for now...lets handle something else...

Marishka: our marriage?

Verona: My hair?

Dracula: ohhh geez...NO! Think family...want...to...kill...us...

Aleera: That slut!

Verona: Yah the slut Kim Kardashian!

Marishka: Yuppers

Aleera:No the slut with the corset...

Dracula: Yes...that slut...wait ...No she's not a slut,she's cool...

The Brides: WHAT?

Dracula:*looks guilty* I mean...compared to the other members of the family,she's actually cool...*dreams about Anna for a split sec*...but she is still a bitch! *thinks about how sexy she is...*

The Brides:*sighes* Let's go home master...we are tired...

Dracula:Since when?

Aleera: You know that hair appointment we had?

Dracula: uh...no...but you would tell me now,wouldn't you? *getting more frustrated*

Verona: Yes...welll we scheduled a hair appointment tomorrow,and we wanted enough day sleep to get there earlier..

Dracula: *rolls his eyes* Fine...but don't beg me to cut my hair...It is sexy enough...and it does turn someone on...

Marishka: Who?

Dracula: No one...I didn't say anything...let us go *says this rapidly and flies away*

_Meanwhile...in Vaseria Forest_

(Velkan and Anna are hunting in the forest...they then see lights from ahead)

Anna:What the...is that the villagers?

Velkan: *shrugs,picks his nose*

Anna: *slaps Velkan's hand* What did mother tell you about picking your nose?

Velkan: Don't do it...or you get more bacteria in your nose *says it in a kid's tone*

Anna:*rolls her eyes* I always knew you were the special one...

(The villagers are now clear with torches,and screaming ''vampires'')

Anna: I knew it. Everytime I ask them to do something,they can't do it. They always end up seeing vampires and screaming damn bloody murder! Geez!

Midgit:*runs to Anna* RUNNNN VAMPIRES,ANNA VAMPIRES!

Anna:*watches Midgit run away in terror...sighes* I need a beer...

_To be Continued_

**Thanks for reading this...I hope you enjoyed it! There will be more chapters! and more comedy will come soon! Review...or uh.. no cookies for you! lolz luvs ya-cubanagurl**


	2. no smoking a boring mission

Van Helsing Parody! Part2

**Drac: Oh audience...oh audience...welcome back to the parody!Me: Shut up drac,that was supposed to be my enterance! Anyways,welcome everybody...I am back...and soo is everyone! Yes,it is that time again to laugh...so be prepared...and get an extra pair of pants (you'll piss your pants!)...Grab your popcorn...IT IS TIME! Enjoy...and I DON'T own any VH characters...or anything...EXCEPT for the Midgit...lolz Oh and btw my computer is being retarted...so when there is only two dots...or the sentence doesn't make sense, fill in the blank with the name,Mr. Hyde... just warning you!**

_Film starts again...We are in Paris,France...One year later..._

Van Helsing: *whistles the tune of The Hunchback of Notre Dame* Gee...I wonder if there really is a hunchback in Notre Dame...welll...while I am here...

(Screams and an evil laughter in the distance)

Van Helsing: Well, I wonder who _that _must be...*sarcasm* I had travel soo much just to fricken find you? That's green...so green...*sees dead body on ground* Hm...a prostitute...*searches her pockets...pulls wallet out,puts it in his pocket..* At least I have to get something outta this...

(In the distance, is seen jumping in the church.)

Van Helsing: *runs inside the church...then scans a room* Come out,come out wherever you are...*snifs the air* Geez...it smells like shit in here...

: BOOOOO! Did I scare you?

Van Helsing: Wha-Oh ummm not really...but can you just close your mouth? It smells like a freaken sewer in there... *looks away...about to gag*

: *breathes in his hand,smells it,scrunches his nose* Hmmm...must have been that chicken...it had a serious case of diareha...

Van Helsing: Ugh...that's gross,man...seriously...

: *rolls his eyes* So,you're the great Van Helsing...

Van Helsing: And you are a deranged psychopath...

: We all have our little problems *breaths smoke in Van Helsing's face...,then eats cigar*

Van Helsing: Ughh...what the hell? Why in the world would you eat a cigar...don't you even know that smoking is bad for you? Sorry audience but I may have to stop this...just for a sec...

**We now interrupt this program with the words of Van Helsing**

Van Helsing: Hello,audience. I welcome you to Stop Smoking You Worthless Piece of Shit. With our guest... !

(Booing occurs in the audience)

:*growls in anger,sits down in a childish pout*

Van Helsing: Alrighty then...so you have split personalities...is that correct? *sits down in a chair*

: Yes...

Van Helsing: And you have murdered a few women,children,a group of faggots,and a massacre of poultry...How do you feel about that?

: I feel pretty damn good! What does this have to do with anything?

Van Helsing: Well...it might help us all with a solution...

: And what would that be, pretty boy? *lights a cigar*

Van Helsing: *rings a bell*

Mr. Hyde: AHHHHH the bells! THE BELLS! *cigar falls out of his mouth* Its soo damn loud!

Van Helsing: Exactly! That's the point! This stopped you from your problem...and that is...

Audience: Smoking!

: *a wtf look* F*** this! I am getting out of here! *starts running*

Van Helsing: *gets tojo blades out,throws it at 's arm*

: *screams* Gaw damn it! You little booger!

Van Helsing: Woah,woah,woah,woah booger? Is that all you got?

:I'll kill ya ,ya know. Slowly,and I won't regret it...*grabs Van Helsing,and throws him at the audience*

Random old lady: *gasps* Are you okay sir?

Van Helsing:*nods,nurses his head*

Old Lady: *walks on stage* You are a very nasty man...*hits with her purse* Take that! and that!

(audience cheers the old lady)

: *can't take it anymore,and throws old lady at the wall*

( The stage walls collapse,and the scene is back to Notre Dame)

: *pushes Van Helsing out the window.*Bye bye sucka!

Van Helsing: *grabs the grabber gun...thingie...whatever its callled...and it pierces * I am not gone,yet!

: *is pulled down* My turn! *pulls string up..van helsing goes up with string, crashes through a window...string brakes*

: Huh? NOOOOOO! *falls to the ground*

Van Helsing: Woopsss...

* * *

_Vatican City_

Van Helsing: Sorry,Father for I have...*crosses himself*

Cardinal Jinette: Sinned...Yes I know! you are very good at that! *looks really pissed off, slaps Van Helsing in the face*

Van Helsing:Ow! What the hell did I do?

Cardinal Jinette: Don't blaspheme and use the devil's home in this sacred church...And you are sooo stupid..you know...

Van Helsing: why?

Cardinal Jinette: You shattered the rose window!

Van Helsing: Ohhh...that...woops...But wait! Hold on...that wasn't me,that was !

Jinette: *slaps Van Helsing again* It doesn't matter who did it! You picked the wrong place to fight him! But you are indeed sent to do God's work...

Van Helsing: *rubs his face* Why can't He do it himself?

Jinette: Once again,stop blaspheming...it is not very nice...

Van Helsing: Then, why can't you and the Order do something about it?

Jinette: Stop being so lazy...The reason is that we do not exist...

Van Helsing: Well then neither do I...

Jinette: *opens a hidden path* We have been doing this thing for a long time...we have protected earth and the people without them knowing it...now we have a new assignment for you...

Van Helsing: *sighes* What is it, now?

Jinette: So anxious now,huh? Well,here it is: You need to go into the wilds of Romania...well you need to go into Trannsylvania,at that...and uh...get rid of this a-hole...I cannot cuss..so a-hole it is...

Van Helsing: *sees a slide of a man* Hmm...looks familiar...What's his name?

Jinette: Count Dracula...You haven't dealt with anyone like this before...He is...anyway..EVIL! He is a vampire...the undead

Van Helsing: sounds horrible...* yawns...almost falls asleep* Is that all?

Jinette: Do not think that this is a game...this is probably the hardest mission you have to do! There is another part to this...though...A family..the Valerious has been trying to kill him for over 400 years...there are only two left,.Prince Velkan,and Princess Anastasia...or she is known as ''Anya'' or ''Anna''.

Van Helsing: *sees a slide of Anna...and drools*

Jinette: Soo..uh will you do this?

Van Helsing: *wipes drool* Uh...yeah..I guess...

_Later..._

(The priests start dancing the macarena in the backround)

Van Helsing: *starts dancing..but stops hearing Carl's voice*

Carl: So did you kill him at all? i noticed that everyone is quite mad at you...so I assume you have...since you..uh

Van Helsing:*ignores Carl and eyes a machine gun* Can I have that?

Carl:Umm...no You haven't gone after vampires before,have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires,warlocks,gargoyles,they are all the same...best when cooked well

Carl: o.0 What do you mean by cooked well? You eat monsters?

Van Helsing: No,Carl I was just kidding...

Carl: Well, anyways vampires are not the same...my granny could kill a warlock...

Van Helsing: Oh...speaking of grandmas...I saw your grandma last night...

Carl: Really? how is she?

Van helsing: ummm fine...I guess

(old lady in the audience has a bunch of casts on from throwing her)

Van Helsing: *turns Carl around to face him* Soo umm...I want you to come with Trannsylvania with me.

Carl: *nervous* The hell I am

Van Helsing: Carl,aren't you a monk...You know very well that monks do not curse at all..

Carl: Actually,I am just a friar..I can curse all I want...*starts saying a bunch of cuss words*

Van Helsing: o.0

Carl: *smiles* and I am not in the fricken world going to Transy-

Van Helsing: *grabs Carl by shoulder* Lets go CARL! *grabs a bunch of other weapons with him..and a crossbow*

_To be continued..._

**Well, thats the end of chappie 2! I know that the first chap was better,but i think this was two boring parts of the movie...sooo it will get better..and DRACULA just might take his shirt off! Yay! Review and I'll update!**


	3. nursery rhymes and dance parties

Van Helsing Parody! Part 3

**Hey everybody! I am back! Grab your popcorn,and get ready for the show...AND! I do NOT own any VH characters...**

_Vaseria Forest_

(Velkan is tied up on a pole for bait)

Velkan: *sings* I am a little teapot short and stout- *starts whimpering* here...is...my handle...here..is my...

(Werewolf growls can be heard)

Velkan: *sweats,then pees in his pants* Oh...oh dear! ANNA! Get me the hell outta here!

Anna: *from the bushes* Stop being a sissy,Velkan! Just sing on the freaken pole,and relax! Geez...*mumbles in Romanian*

Velkan: *to self*O.k.,Velkan,calm down,be a big boy...yes! You are a man. A man who had just...*says discouraged right now* peed his pants...*pauses, then whines* I AM A TOTAL FAILURE!

(werewolf bursts from trees)

Velkan: *screams like a girl*

Werewolf: o.0 *in werewolf language* This man is a weirdo! *shrugs and leaps for Velkan*

Velkan: *gets out of rope, flips over to top of pole* Woah! I made it! *raspberries :p* You can't catch me!

Werewolf: *looks annoyed and pissed off*

Velkan: Oh shit! Help me! Pull me up! Pull me up!

Random villager: *listens to Ipod*

Anna: *pulls out sword,heroically,making her enterance*

Velkan: Is anybody listening to me? Help me! *pulls out a twig,hits werewolf on head with it* Take that,you stupid puppy! Bad dog,bad dog! Stupid Great Dane! (apparently Velkan thinks that the werewolf is a dog...o.0)

Anna: *sees villager with Ipod,knocks earphones off by hitting at head* You idiot! Help Velkan!

(villagers try to pull lever)

Random villager: Ah well the mother f-er is stuck

Villager#2: Yup...That's not good...

Midgit: Who wants to go to Hooters?

All villagers: I DO! *runs away*

Anna: WAIT! What the hell are you guys doing? *rolls her eyes* Men...

Velkan: *jumps on tree branch,hands on knees,sings nervously* There was a dog who had a bone,and Bingo was his name-oh! B-I-N-G-O...

Anna: *tries to find gun,sees it,but then werewolf sees her* Oh shit! what to do...ummmm...Good wolfie...away with you...away... RUN!

(Werewolf runs after Anna,chases her to cliff)

Anna: Crap! I forgot that fricken cliff was there!

(werewolf pounces)

Velkan:* finally is brave,shoots at the wolf* Don't mess with my sissie!

(Velkan fails epically and falls in water with werewolf...a slight chance of a bite on him...)

Anna: Oh my God...Velkan's dead...*sobs for a second* Ah well... No more annoying brother,huh...*sighes* I am getting a drink...

* * *

_Vaseria Village-Van Helsing and Carl's arrival..._

Van Helsing: I wear my sunglasses at night *has sunglasses on,sings this as loud and obnoxious*

Carl: Umm...Van Helsing...I don't think the villagers quite like your singing...

Van Helsing: Why wouldn't they? I am so fabulous! You know,Carl,after this mission,I wanna be...*starts singing* A billionare so fricken bad...buy all the things i never had...

Gravedigger: Excuse me,sunglasses dude, but what in the hell was that?

Van Helsing:*turns around with a smile on his face: * It's the song,Billionaire,by Travie Mc Coy

Gravedigger: I know that,you idiot! You just sang like a jackass

Van Helsing: But,that doesn't make any sense...And,if you enjoy insulting me,then I oughta...

Gravedigger: No,you sing like that jackass over there *points at donkey with a MJ wig*

Carl:o.o

Van Helsing: Hmm...you do have a point there. All the monks back at the Vatican think I sing horrible

Midgit: The Vatican,eh? What was your purpose there,pretty boy? *pokes Van Helsing with a stick*

Van Helsing: *flinches* What the hell was that? *looks down,then picks up midgit*

Midgit: Hey! hey! Put me down you son of a bitch!

Van Helsing: Oh yeah,and what are you gonna do about it?

Midgit: *pulls out gun* I would want you to meet my little friend. Hey Frankie, wanna meet pansy boy? *pokes gun at Van Helsing's chest*

Van Helsing: Uh...nice to see ya,Frankie *gulps,puts midgit down*

Gravedigger: So,you say you wanna be a billionaire?

Van Helsing: You talking to me?

Gravedigger: Yeah,Robert DeNiro,I am talking to you

Van Helsing: Umm...well yeah I do...

Gravedigger: *pulls out stereo* Well, then it starts here! *puts on ''Rasputin'',by Boney M*

(Everyone starts dancing)

Carl: Um,...I think I don't like this at all..

(Carl gets grabbed by bartender lady to dance)

Anna: *walks in with a shocked face* What the-

Midgit: Come on,Anna, DANCE!

Anna: o.o No thank you *gets lost in crowd,sees Van Helsing breakdancing* And who are you supposed to be?

Van Helsing: *looks up to see Anna* What did you say?

Anna: I said,who are you? *says this louder*

Van Helsing: Oh, I am here to help you *says this as loud as he can over the music*

Anna: What?

(Anna gets grabbed by many guys who wants to dance with her)

* * *

_Meanwhile...in the sky_

Verona: Alright,so we have to find Anna,right?

Marishka: Yup

Aleera: Wait can you hear that?

Marishka: Hear what?

Aleera: *shouts* Just listen!

Verona: Sounds like music... In the village? Are they celebrating something?

(All three shrug,they are now descending on a rooftop in the village)

Aleera: Wow...they are dancing...

Marishka:Let's join them!

(Aleera and Verona look at Marishka as if she was a lunatic)

Marishka: Oh come on...we at least need some fun while we're here...

Aleera: Yah,but that Valerious brat is there...

Marishka: She won't see us...she is hidden in the crowd...Everyone looks drunk..sooo...they won't notice either...

Verona: It is a big risk,Marishka...

Aleera: Verona,Marishka is right...it's our time to shine!

(The Brides swoop down to join the dance party...luckily no one noticed their attendance..)

* * *

_In Castle Dracula..._

( Dracula arises from his coffin...his shirt is off and is wearing black boxers...interesting detail)

Dracula:*sighes* What is taking them so long to bring me Anna?

(Dracula then decides to go to the village to see what is going on)

_**

* * *

**_

_Back in the village..._

(Everyone apparently is having fun...the song is almost ending...sadly)

Van Helsing: Carl,I don't think this is such a bad place at all...Everyone's partying,having fun,smoking,drinking. Even the abinsinthe is excellent! Boy,was Cardinal Jinette wrong about vampires...

Carl: Hmmmm...I don't think that's the case...Vampires sleep during the day...But it is rather dark outside...I guess they aren't...*spots the Brides*

Van Helsing: Woah just look at those babes...

Carl: Umm...Van Helsing...

Van Helsing: *isn't listening to Carl* God,they are soooo sexy...I am gonna talk to them..

Carl: Van Helsing...i think they are...

Van Helsing: Yeah that is what I am gonna do...well...manly pose,Van Helsing,manly pose.. *walks away*

Carl: vampires...* sighes* He never listens to me...

Anna: *had enough with this* Ugh...what the hell is wrong with people these days?

(Dracula is here...like the Brides no one seems to care or notice)

Dracula:o.o What the heck is this? Dancing? No screaming,yelling,attacking? I think I am gonna like this..

Random dude: Want some beer,sir? *gulps the bottle like crazy,hiccups*

Dracula: I never drink...beer

Random dude: *walks away,mutters under his breath* pussy...

Dracula: Damn the smell of alcohol is too strong...Perhaps it is time to make my moves...sometime..better music must come on

(Oddly,there is a DJ there,and Drac requests a song,tango music comes on)

Dracula: *looks around for a dance partner* Hmm...aha! What a pleasure there is to see the princess again...

(Anna tries to get through crowd, and sees Dracula)

Anna: Dracula? What are YOU doing here?

Dracula:*grins* why to see you my dear,care for a dance...

Anna: I think I rather not...*makes retching sound*

Dracula: I think you rather...*grabs her hand*

Anna: Let me go...*barely struggles from grip*

Dracula: *looks with loving eyes* why would I? I finally have the beautiful princess I wanted in my grasp...*pulls her gently to the center of the dancefloor,takes off his jacket,spins Anna*

(Crowd watches as the two dance)

Anna: *frowns* I am only doing this once,don't ever talk about it again...

Dracula: As you wish...but I may never forget it...

(Van Helsing chats with Brides for a while,and then turns to see Anna with Dracula)

Van Helsing: Is that...

Aleera: *looks where Van Helsing is looking at,shrieks in jealousy* THAT WHORE!

Verona: That bitch!

Marishka: That...that...FLABERGASTING PIECE OF PEANUT!

Verona and Aleera: o.o

(the Brides then start to attack)

Dracula: Ladies,now do stop!

Anna:*gets thrown by Aleera*

Van Helsing: Vampires! *takes out crossbow*

Carl: I told you!

(Villagers get out of drunkines...somehow and freak)

Anna:*gets up* EVERYBODY INSIDEEEEE!

Woman villager: Get the chickens!

Cow: *whistles,eating grass* So you know,I am sitting here minding my own business...and...*gets thrown in the house by a bride* this really sucks!

Dracula: Brides,please STOP YOU BRATS!

Verona: Marishka,Van Helsing was against us,he's the enemy...kill him!

Marishka: Love to!

Aleera: *has her lesbian moment,trying to rape Anna...lolz j/k* Hello...Anna...YOU BITCH!

Anna: You're a bitch!

Aleera: No you are a bitch!

Anna: You

Aleera:No you

Anna: NOOOOO YOOOUUUUU

Verona: Shut up you are both bitches...

Anna: Well, guess what Verona you are a bitch too

Verona: No I am not!

Anna and Aleera: Yes you are!

Verona: AM NOT!

(Van Helsing kills Marishka)

Verona and Aleera: AHHHHHHHHH MARISHHHHKAAAA OUR DUMBASS IS GONE!

Dracula: oh...well she really was a dumbass anyway..*flies away,apparently he didn't notice who Marishka's killer is...*

Cow: Moooo! I am ok,people,ok...

Audience: YAY! Five stars for the cow!

cubanagurl: Yupp he did good,right? Now...SHUT UP! Alright,on with the film!

Van Helsing: Welll, that was a rollercoaster

Carl: I think you just missed your enemy,Dracula...

Van Helsing: Is that who what's -her-face was dancing with?

Gravedigger: Omg,you killed a vampire,you bastard!

Van Helsing: And that's bad,why?

Anna: Well,it means they'll kill for revenge...I am Anna by the way...you did manage to save our lives though..

Van Helsing: Why were you dancing with fancy pants?

Anna: Oh...you mean Dracula right?

Carl: Yes...why in the world were you dancing with him? He is your enemy

Anna: *lies* He-uh put me in a trance...

Van Helsing: oh...well you're okay now..

Anna: So what is your name,kind sir?

Van Helsing: I am Van Helsing

(Everyone gasps)

Anna: the monster hunter,huh? Well, you are worthy...no one has killed a vampire in over one hundred years...I'd say that earns you a drink...

Van Helsing: *nods follows Anna to house* YES! more liquor!

Carl: Don't you think that you had enough liquor?

Van Helsing: Shut up,Carl,just shut up...

**Annnnndddd CUTTTT That's the end for now! Review and I'll update! OR NO COOKIES! MWAAHAHAHAHA! **


	4. frosted cookies and Count Chocula

Van Helsing Parody! Part

**We are backkkkk for more humor! Grab your popcorn,Sour Patch Kids (or whatever you peoplez eat at the movies) and grab an extra pair of pants! (just in case of pissing your pants) I do NOT own any VH characters...except the Midgit...Enjoy!**

_At Valerious Manor_

Anna:So here is my crib...do you guys like it?

Van Helsing and Carl: *muffled sounds,crunching and whatnot* Yup...

Anna: *looks suspicious* You do,huh?...What are you eating?

Van Helsing: *mumbles* Nothing...nothing at all... *stuffs something in his mouth*

Carl:*gulps* Yah nothing at all...its not like we are eating some of your cookies...

Anna: my cookies... How do you guys know about my cookiesss? *Steps closer behind the two men*

Carl: Um...uh...we-uh...saw them back there...

Anna: But ,my cookies were hidden in my room...hmmmm *taps one heel of her boot on the floor* Turn around...let me see your faces...

(Carl and Van Helsing slowly turn around. Van Helsing is seen with crumbs on his face with his mouth full,Carl has nothing in his mouth,but some crumbs on his robe)

Carl: *jabs Van Helsing in the chest*

Van Helsing: *spits out cookie at Carl's action,and chokes* Oww...

Anna: Aha! So you guys sneaked in my room and snatched my cookies... so they are good,huh? *hands on hips*

Van Helsing: oh yeah...scrumptious...delicious...had some icing on top and...

Carl: VAN HELSING!

Van Helsing: Wha- whattya want?

Carl: *glares at Van Helsing* You do not admit that it was good...don't you know that it is rude to say that,especially if we had just confiscated Anna's cookies...

Van Helsing: Well,sorry...monk...And don't use big words around me...what does confiscate mean anywho?

Carl: *rolls his eyes,says a prayer in his head* I am not a monk,for the last time! FRIAR...F-R-I-A-R got it? And i meant that we had just stolen Anna's cookies and you are ok with that? She'll probably kill us!

Van Helsing: o.0 Gee Carl...no need for the crankiness...we are in a beautiful enviroment...where people are nice.. they drink,party...and...

(There is a snort from Anna)

Van Helsing: Wot? what's so funny?

Anna: *nearly dies laughing* You really think Trannsylvania is like this? Did you already forget when the vampires attacked and that poor cow got thrown?

Cow: You know,sympathy isn't necessary...I mean...I am alright

Van Helsing: *jumps into Anna's arms* OHHHH CRAP! A talking Cow! KILL IT KILL IT! The fiend!

Anna: * legs shaking from Van Helsing's weight* It's alright Van Helsing,it's just a cow...

Van helsing: *screams like a girl* It moved! Its blinking! Oh god! help me!

Cow: oh..gee

Van Helsing: *calls animal control*

Cow: Oh is it that time again? Oh I gotta go...*nervously says this,walks away*

Anna: *drops Van Helsing* Back to our talk...this place is filled of those nightmarish creatures...like the ones in the town square today...one of them which you killed...

Van Helsing: *scratches his head* i don't think I recall doing that...

Anna: Do you have short-termed memory? Or are you just acting stupid?

Van Helsing: No...definately not the stupid part...though I was told that I am ignorant...

Anna: That's the same thing...

Van helsing: Huh? What's the same thing?

Anna: *sighes* Never mind...

Van Helsing: Well,anyway...I am here to help you kill Drackonut...I guess...

Anna: It's Dracula

Van Helsing: No it's not

Anna: Yes it is...

Van Helsing: No I remember it is Count Chocula

Anna: But...you just said it was Drackonut...you are confusing me

Van Helsing: I did not...I said it was Captain DracuCrunch

Carl: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP! Anna, we are here to help,and was wondering if we were to hunt him tonight or rest...that's what _he_ *points at Van Helsing* wanted to say.

Van Helsing: Wow Carl, you got the words outta my mouth! You are pyschic...

Anna: i did promise you both a drink,the bar is right down the hall...so I guess hunting starts tomorrow...

Van Helsing: That's it? Drinking for the night?...AWESOME!

Anna:*starts walking away* and as for me, I am going to find Dracula and kill him...

Carl: I thought you said hunting is tomorrow...

Anna: For you...but I am going tonight...and that's final

Van Helsing: You can't go all alone...what if you get killed? *finally makes sense*

Anna: If I do then I 'll die with dignity...

Van Helsing: why would you die with dignity? It's soo scary to die..

Anna: I'll see my family again..We Transylvainians always look at the brighter side of death...

Van Helsing: There is a brighter side to death? You gotta be joking...

Anna: I am not...It's just harder to see... *turns for a sec,but then looks back* Oh and by the way,are there any cookies left?

Van Helsing: o.o... well...uh...*gases Anna in the face*

Carl: Now,Van Helsing,why did you do that for?

Van Helsing: She was questioning too much...she would have found out that there wasn't any cookies left...

Carl: Oh well,true...

(Van Helsing takes Anna to her room...then goes to the bar and drinks)

_A few minutes later..._

Anna: *wakes up* Ugh...stupid Van Helsing...when i find him...I oughta...

(low growls are heard)

Anna:Someone is here...

(Anna searches the house, finds werewolf,shoots at it. then sees Velkan)

Anna: Velkan! You are alive!

Velkan: Shut up...he'll hear you...

Anna: Who?

Velkan: Dracula...he is after you...I am making sure he doesn't harm you...

Anna: Why is that son of a bitch after me? What does he want?

Velkan: i can't explain right now! All I know is that he has a cure...for...uh...

Anna: For what? Velkan? what is going on?

Velkan:*chokes,then coughes up hairball* Sorry,hairball...

Anna: Yuck...how would you get a hairball in your mouth?

Velkan: You don't wanna know...*then screams as her turns to werewolf*

Anna: Oh my goodness...its Sasquatch!

Werewolf Velkan: *rolls eyes,growls*

Anna: A very mean...Sasquatch... Velkan...hang in there,aright?

Van Helsing: Hello...*gasps* ITS A COUSIN OF THE COW!

(werewolf runs away)

Carl: *sniffs* Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Van Helsing: Its a goat...

Anna: No, it was Sasquatch I think...

Dracula: ITS A WEREWOLF! *silence* I mean...uh...hoot hoot *mimicks owl*

Van Helsing: Did you hear that? A talking owl! What kind of place is this?

Carl: Forget about the owl! We need to track down that werewolf...here are silver bullets

* * *

_In the village_

Van Helsing: Marco!

(No answer comes back)

Van Helsing: come on,Mister Wolf,you are not playing the game right...you are supposed to say Pollo

* * *

_ Meanwhile..._

Anna: *looks out window* Why is Van Helsing such an idiot? yeah I probably should go and help Velkan...

Dracula: Hmm...perhaps...you should my dear...

Anna: Shit! what are you doing here?

Dracula: Such language,coming from a young woman like you...

Anna: Like you would deserve words of kindness anyhow.

Dracula: True...true...So hows it going? who is this,Van Helsing?

Anna: Why would you want to know?

Dracula: Why shouldn't I know?

Anna: It is perhaps none of your concern!

Dracula: sharp tounge...sharp tounge...I just wanted to give you an invitation...and i was planning to have this Van Helsing come with...

Anna: Oh how lovely *sarcasm* And you expect me to come...

Dracula: Why certainly,my dear...It wouldn't be as wonderful without you being there... besides, you have been always on my mind..

Anna: Yeah,your dirty mind...

Dracula:*inches from Anna's face* I am not the only one who has a 'dirty' mind...* caresses her sheek,then to neck*

Anna: stop that...Stop...

Dracula: why would I?

Anna: I am tickilish! *giggles when he touches her neck*

Dracula:o.0 *stops touching her* Perhaps this doesn't tickle *kisses her lips*

Anna: *is very mad about this,but then enjoys it*

Dracula: *lets go* So do you consider the invitation?

Anna: *still shocked by kiss* I dunno...

Dracula: *gives her invitation* Its a Masequerade,so you must wear a mask...

Anna: No dip,Sherlock...

Dracula: *glares...flies away*

Anna: That was awkward...Well,gotta save my annoying brother..

* * *

_ Back outside_

Van Helsing: Marco...

Gravedigger: Pollo!

Van Helsing: Woah! Dude you scared me!

Gravedigger: To death I assume? *points shovel at Van Helsing's chest*

Van Helsing: Err...no..*puts shovel aside* What are you doing?

Gravedigger: digging graves...

Van Helsing: Isn't it late to dig them? Scooby Doo is out there...

Gravedigger: Scooby who?

Van Helsing: yeah...Scooby Doo...the one who uh...seems to be Anna's bro...wait how do I know that? *shrugs*

Gravedigger: I have no idea what you are talking about...but I think you mean the werewolf...

Van Helsing: No,I mean Scooby Doo...*hears growls jumps out of way*

(Gravedigger gets killed by werewolf)

Midgit: Damn! That werewolf got him good... *sees werewolf about to leap* RUNNNNNNNN!

Van Helsing: *about to shoot at werewolf,Anna stops him* Aw...man he escaped...I was gonna give him a scooby snack (you can tell now that he is retarted)

Anna: wtf?

Van Helsing: *slaps Anna* why did you stop me?

Anna: You slapped me! (hahaa still had to add a captain obvious like the film)

Van Helsing: Sorry...i just realized you needed a V8...but uh..yeah you do know that monster is not your brother anymore...

Anna: You knew?

Van Helsing: Yuppers...somehow...

Anna: Before or after I stopped you from shooting him?

Van Helsing: Don't hurt me when I say this...but uh...before

Anna: And you still tried to kill him!

Van Helsing: Well, he wouldn't play the game fair!

Anna: what game?

Van helsing: Marco and Pollo

Anna:*rolls her eyes* You do know that the game is played in a pool,right?

Van Helsing: Who cares? You are not the rule maker...

Anna: Just look at us...arguing about a freaken game! my brother is cursed..and you don't seem to care!

Van Helsing: look,I never said i didn't care...We'll try to look for him...

Anna: I assume that Dracula is in Castle Frankenstein,I doubt Velkan is now his servant...and they say that Dracula has a cure...this would help Velkan...

Van Helsing: Then,off to Castle Frankenstein we go!

**CUTTTT! I hope you enjoyed it! The cow and Dracula made a special appearance even though they aren't supposed to be in these scenes! Lolz...I had to add the Drac/Anna part for a reason...the plot will change from the movie...DUN DUN DUNNNAHHHH! Review and I'll update!**


	5. Gremlins and Brittney Spears

Van Helsing Parody! Part5

**Sorry for the wait! Halloween lasted a long time for me! lolz i really need to chill from CANDY! Don't ask me how much more candy I have left...let's just say that I have three bags...o.0 Speaking of Halloween,the parody will have a Halloween scene (masquerade is set on All Hallows Eve). As i had said before, plots will change...Why keep the regular plot? It's a parody for goodness sakes! I DO NOT own any VH characters...except the Midgit. Enjoy!**

_In Castle Frankenstein..._

Igor: Dammit! The fricken machine broke down! What do I do?

(Dwergies shrug)

Energizer Bunny: I keep going and going and going...

Igor: *grabs bat and hits bunny on head* Yeah, I gonna have to use you...

Dracula: Ahh...Velkan, how is your full moon?

Velkan: Hmmm...pretty bad. That stranger mistaken me for a goat,Anna says I am Sasquatch,and I almost got shot. So, did you give Anna the invite?

Dracula:*evil smile* Yes...the plan is all set.

Velkan: I don't like this plan..

Dracula: And why not?

Velkan: You already have three brides. They'll kill her if they found out about your ''plans''.

Dracula: Correction, I have _two _left. Besides, with Van Helsing there, Aleera and Verona will be gone!

Velkan: Anna doesn't even like you

Dracula: Nuh-uh. That's what you think...

Velkan: I can't take this anymore! I am not letting my sister be your prostitute!

Dracula: *blinks,winces* Well, if you put it that way...

Velkan: And, I am not being your dancing boy,sending telegrams with a kilt on!

Dracula: Aw, come on! You just look adorable as your furry self in a kilt! Not that I am gay or anything! *says this quickly* If you don't like me calling you Puffy, then I'll call you Chewy or Chewbacca,whatever is best for you!

Velkan: I'd rather die than be a stupid beast who dances with the name, CHEWY!

Dracula: Don't be boring! Everyone who says that dies.

Velkan: I am not boring!

Dracula: Sure you're not...Why can't you just play along? Chewy is a funny name! *puppy dog eyes*

Velkan: Uhh..no

Dracula: *shows body on guerney,electric thingie that goes up* Look familiar?

Velkan: Father? What the-

Dracula: Yeah, he didn't have much gigawatts so yeah...

Velkan: Huh?

Dracula: Gigawatts, oyu Valerious's have them... Including the monster... I can't explain it...

Velkan:?

Dracula: Well,maybe since you have werewolf venom in you,maybe things might work...

Velkan: This isn't gonna end well,is it?

Dracula: Nope I am sure it isn't

(Velkan tied up,going up on guerney thingie)

Velkan: Anna will never fail! Not as I did!

Dracula: I do have confidence in your sister,but she is..after all...in my mind...*laughs evilly,dances by himself (have no clue why he does this)*

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

Van Helsing:*whistles*

Anna: *Is annoyed* Can you please stop whistling?

Van Helsing: Sure,madame. *hums*

Anna: *rolls eyes* don't make any sounds of any kind, Mr. Van Helsing!

Van Helsing:Fine! Geez, you're no fun... *drinks from random chalice*

Anna: Umm...Van Helsing where did you get that from?

Van Helsing: Get what from?

Anna: That chalice!

Van Helsing: Oh, I grabbed it from that table right there.

Anna: Ugghh...are you kidding me?

Van Helsing: Wha-What's so ''ughh'' aboout it?

Anna: You don't even know how old that is...

Van Helsing: *spits drink out* Yeah, tasted a little rusty...

Anna: *ignores him* What is that?

Van Helsing: Offspring

Anna: When did you get that intelligent?

Van Helsing: Well, think about it, a man with three gorgeous women for 400 years,obviously getting jiggy with them is an option...

Anna: I think I regret asking...

Van Helsing: Well, ladies first...

Anna: Yeah, ladies first,Van Helsing... *smirk on her face*

Van Helsing: Huh? HEYYY just wait a minute I am not a lady...

Anna: *laughs* Yes you are...don't try to deny it,Van Helsing

Van Helsing: I am not denying anything...You know very well about my gender..

Anna: Yup...I sure do... You are a woman

Van Helsing: *gasps* Well, if I am a woman then that makes you a MAN!

Anna: It certainly does not!

Van Helsing: Then, get this to your head...I am a man..

Anna: Suree...you are...sureeee...oh by the way, nice haircut,Myrtle...

Van Helsing: My name is not Myrtle...and this haircut happens to be in style

Anna: *keeps laughing* Whatever you say...

Van Helsing: *sees moving egg sac* Woah...check this out!

Anna: what is it now? EWWW gross...it smells like ass in here...

Van Helsing: Oh...sorry

Anna: *looks disgusted at Van Helsing*

Van Helsing: Hmm let's see what's inside... *opens egg sac*

( Furry animal thing pops out,looks like a Gremlin)

Anna: Awww.. it is sooo CUTE! Who ever thought that such an evil thing would be soooo adorable?

Vampire Baby/Gremlin: Mama?

Anna: Huh? No... I am not your mommy...

Baby: MAMA!

Van Helsing: *chuckles* Come on,Anna, take care of your baby...

Anna: *glares at Van Helsing,looks back at baby* i am not your mother,but ummm if I could...I would like to be...

Baby: *just blinks innocently,holds Anna by legs* Mommy so pretty..

Van Helsing: Aww...its first word...

Anna:It is sooo adorable... But it is a vampire...and...

(One more bolt,and all babies hatch,all see Anna)

All babies: MOOOMMMMYYYYY!

Anna: 0.o Oh my goodness...

Van Helsing: Good luck with all of them *turns to walk away*

Anna: *grabs Van Helsing by shoulder* What am I gonna do? they all think that i am their mother...

(All babies tug on Anna's legs)

Van Helsing: Don't worry I have a solution! *shoots one baby in the head*

One baby: *cries,bites Van Helsing's leg*

Van Helsing: OWWWW That really hurt! Bad Gizmo,bad! *squirts water on baby's face,and apparently reaches to every single one*

all babies: *eyes turn red,multiplies...eats snack*

Van Helsing: Umm...Anna what time is it exactly?

Anna: Just after midnight...

Van Helsing: Oh crap...

(babies turn to ugly bat form thingies from movie)

Anna: Oh boy...

( Vampires come to see the babies flying)

Verona: Aww our babies! Come here you cuties!

(babies ignore the brides)

Aleera: Why aren't they coming to us? *shrugs flies with Verona and babies to village*

* * *

_in Valerious Manor_

(Carl is reading something at the tower,vampire babies are outside)

Carl: Hmm...Paris Hilton...another plastic surgeory? Oh...how horrid, so is Heidi from the Hills...

Vampire baby: Yeah, ROCK AND ROLLL,BABY! Mwahhahahahhaha I am soooo EVIL!

Carl: oh dear! Must warn somebody!

* * *

_Back in Castle Frankenstein..._

Van Helsing: Oh gee I need some action! This is where I come in!

Anna: WAIT! You idiot! You are gonna get yourself killed!

(Van Helsing shoots babies with crossbow,Dracula sees Van Helsing)

Dracula: wtf? *growls,swoops down*

(Anna tries to runaway but door closes on her)

Anna: Shit!

cubanagurl: woah woah woah...arent you supposed to make it out so that you can save Velkan?

Anna: Its not my fault that I run soo slow!

cubanagurl: *sighs* Just continue...rookie...

Dracula: *morphs back to insanely gorgeous self* I can tell the character of a man by their heartbeat...Usually when I approach it is a beat that I can dance to...strange that yours is so steady... Hmmm...I can hear another heartbeat though...it is soo fast that I can do the cha cha in my boxers...(o.o interesting...)

Anna:*looks down at cell phone,has heartbeat ringtone* shoot...stupid phone always gives me away...

Van Helsing: Well, gee Anna, thanks for giving both of us away...*comes out of hiding spot* and..uh...heellooo *grabs stake,tries to stab Dracula*

Dracula: *sighes* Is this your so called ''silver stake''?Or should I say T-bone steak,medium rare...

Van Helsing: Oh...woops wrong pocket...

Dracula: Hello Gabriel

Van Helsing: What did you say,ya chump?

Dracula: I said heello Gabriel

Van Helsing: No you didn't...stop lying...lying is for dogss.

Dracula: You think that was funny?

Van Helsing: What's funny?

Dracula: Never mind...you are soo slow

Anna: Yup he sure is...Trust me,I have to deal with him

Dracula: My,Anna isn't it just pleasant to see you...this is a small world...

Van Helsing: Oh my goodness...I just LOVE that song! *sings* It's a small world after all,its a small world after all...

Anna: *slaps hand on forehead* Please shut up Van Helsing

Dracula: Yes,Gabriel shut up please!

Van Helsing: shut up is such a naughty word...

Dracula: I do have such naughty words in my mind right now... *looks at Anna with a seductive wink*

Anna:*rolls her eyes* Gross...

( Brides come in shrieks, Van Helsing and Anna find a way to escape)

Dracula: WAIT! I didn't get a chance to introduce myself! I am Count Vladislaus... Aw forget it!

* * *

_A Few minutes earlier..._

(Vampire babies invade village)

Midgit: Run for it! The mutant Ninja turtles are coming!

Carl: ? Woah! They sure are scary!

Barmaid: HELP ME! *baby grabs her by legs*

Carl: *looks heroic* I'll save ya! *hits baby with bat*

(baby comes after barmaid and Carl,but blows up randomly)

Carl: Wow...

Barmaid: What happened?

Carl: I guess they are all dying

Barmaid: *kisses Carl on cheek* How can I repay you?

Carl:*whispers into Barmaid's ear*

Barmaid: You can't do that! you are a monk!

Carl: Actually, you are pretty lucky I am just a friar...

* * *

_Windmill_

Anna: A SILVER STEAK? How much more stupid can you be?

Van Helsing: Well, excuse me your highness, but I actually tried to kill Dracula

Anna: *laughs* barely... *sighes* We didn't find the cure...

Van Helsing: I am sorry,Anna but I don't think that there is a chance to save your brother...*sympathy*

Anna: *smiles* You know, sometimes you can really not be all that bad..

Van Helsing: I guess not...*sniffs* Do you smell fried chicken?

Anna: *mumbles* And there are those times when I would like to take back what i say...

Van Helsing: You look upset,here wear my hat.

Anna: That is supposed to make me feel better,why?

Van Helsing: Hats help me think about stuff...and it cheers me up...

Anna: Helps you think...* about to say something mean,but takes it back and smiles warmly* You are funny, Van Helsing,and I just want to say cheers *grabs bottle of abinsinthe*

Van Helsing: That is some strong stuff ya know...*about to drink from bottle*

Anna: Don't let it touch your tounge...it'll knock you on your...*falls before says rest*

(Windmill collapses)

Anna: *gets up* Geez...what th-

Van Helsing: *covers her mouth* shhhh...something human is in here...

Anna: Really?

Van Helsing: It happens to be tall,injury at leg, and uh golden grills

Anna: How do you know that it has golden grills?

Van Helsing: Cuz,umm he is standing behind you...

Anna: Omg, the Frankenstein's monster!

Frankenstein's monster: You're toxic now! *sings*

Anna: o.0

Van Helsing: It seems to be singing Brittney Spears songs...I think I am gonna like this guy!

* * *

_ Next day..._

Van Helsing: *to Carl* Whatever you do,don't look at him...

Carl: Oh my goodness! I am looking at him! what kind of creature is this?

Van Helsing: Some weird ass one...seems to sing Brittney Spears

Carl: Well that means it's not going to be soo bad...

_Thirty minutes later.._

Frankenstein's Monster: And they say! She's soo lucky! She's a star...but she cries cries in lonely heart again ( forgot the lyrics! lolz this is the song ''Lucky'')

Carl: Get me outta here! I can't take 3 more days of this!

Anna: Shut up!

( Van Helsing is riding casually in carriage)

Van Helsing: Well, nothing is going on here...

(Brides come and attack...Verona gets killed with stakes from carriage,Anna rides other carriage with the monster and Carl)

Carl: Nice decoy,eh?

Frankenstein: Its my- *carl closes his mouth*

(Carriage crashes Van Helsing gets killed...RIP Just kidding! He's not dead! Tricked ya! hahahahha)

Anna: Oh my God,Velkan you are dead for real! *sobs* I never thought it would come to this...

Van Helsing: *comes out* oww...

Anna: *runs,pins VH to tree* YOU KILLED HIM! You BASTARD!

Van Helsing: Now you know why they call me murderer

Anna: I never knew they call you murderer...

Van Helsing: Oh...never mind...*hold on to chest*

Anna: *sees bite* You are bitten...*walks away,gets knocked out by Aleera*

Van Helsing: ANNNA!

Carl: Oh no!

Van Helsing: Ah well... she is useless anyway...

Carl: Van Helsing!

Van Helsing: What?

Carl: *glare*

Van Helsing: Fine,we'll save her! Yup...What's this? *picks up paper from floor,it's invitation from Dracula* Masquerade...huh? Well, a masquerade it is!

* * *

_To be continued..._

**Sooo it's breaktime! Hope you enjoyed it! REVIEW! Halloween scene is next soo don't worry! -cubanagurl**


	6. Trick or Beef?

Van Helsing Parody Part 6

**Heyyy I know that it is past Halloween, but ummmm this scene is a Halloween scene...so here my Halloween spirit may go haywire... lolz I just wanna say to everyone Happy Late Halloween! And if your gonna ask me if I still have candy left...then that answer is yes... DON'T QUESTION ANYMORE! OK! lolz I am going pyscho... So um Enjoy! I DO NOT own any VH characters...except the Midgit...**

_At the Graveyard..._

Van Helsing:Great hiding spot,Carl...How did you think of that? *pushes cross thingie to be some kind of barrier to the masoleum*

Carl: Well, vampires cannot go into holy grounds... so this would be the best place to hide Frankenstein...

Frankenstein's monster: *sings* Love me ,hate me say what you want about me...but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging If You Seek Amy!

Van Helsing: Shut up!

Carl: Well, gee Van Helsing...grouchy much?

Van Helsing: He's just sooo annoying!

Carl: *mumbles to self* like you're not...

Van Helsing: What was that?

Carl: *quickly* Nothing!

Van Helsing: Hmm...thought I heard something... sooo uh when will I be turning to an abominable snowman?

Carl: You mean a werewolf...right?

Van Helsing: No! I mean abominable snowman..

Carl: *sighes* Van Helsing, do we have to go over this again? You are turning to a werewolf for crying out loud!

Van Helsing: Oh...what's a werewolf?

Carl: Never mind...you'll be turning two nights from now..

Van Helsing: Awww man..I just really want to eat Dracula now...

Carl: Excuse me? Do say that statement again...

Van Helsing: I said that I want to eat Dracula...I mean if I am turning to a jigglypuff,then I would have a huge appetite...then I'll eat Dracula...

Carl: A jiggly- * slaps hand on forehead* Oh,Lord help me...Why would you want to eat Dracula?

Van Helsing: Come on, haven't you had thoughts on eating Dracula?

Carl: Umm...I am afraid not...

Van Helsing: Just think about it... He looks scrumptious...he's just...you just want to eat him up! *eyes turn yellow and crazy* Mhmmmm how yummy that sounds!

Carl: o.0 You can't be serious...

Van Helsing: I am!

Carl: I don't think that eating Dracula would be a great solution...

Van Helsing: Geez Carl! Ruin the fun! So I guess we are ready to go to the costume shop...

Carl: Yuppers...I want to go as Robin Hood...

Van Helsing: Hey! You stole mine!

Carl: Oh welll...I called it!

* * *

_At Vilvcova Palace..._

Dracula: *knocks on door* Anna,are you ready?

Anna: Almost...chill your balls..

Dracula: Really? Chill my balls? Why are they too hot for you?

Anna: SHUT UP!

Dracula: *laughs heartdly* Aw,Anya...

Anna: Don't call me by that!

Dracula: Does it bother you..Princess Anastasia?

Anna: *opens the door furiously* THERE! I am ready... *blushes looks down*

Dracula: *looks her up and down* hmmm...nice

Anna: yeah and I can tell that YOU picked it out... Of course you would pick out the Playboy bunny out for me...I feel too exposed..

Dracula: Don't forget that it is tight on you...

Anna: No of course I can't forget about that...*sarcasm...puts mask on*I guess The Phantom of the Opera fits you... How do I look?

Dracula: Sexy...*gives her seductive look,is too close to her,near the bed*

Anna: This is not gonna end nicely is it...

Dracula: Not for you...Or maybe you might enjoy it...

* * *

_At the Halloween Store..._

Van Helsing: Carl, it can't be that embarrasing...show me your costume!

Carl: Okkayy...don't laugh this is the only one they had left... *comes out of dressing room,is wearing a cow costume*

Van Helsing: *bursts out laughing* Oh my goodness...it's soo...

Carl: yeah,yeah I know STUPID! Please can we just get outta here and into the Masquerade?

Van Helsing: *presses button on costume, it moos* Hahahahaha it even moos

Cow: Yeah,yeah very funny...make fun of the cow! Gee! They are even making a costume out of me!

Carl: *turns red* This is the most humilating thing in the whole universe!

Van Helsing: Let's go Carl! Party's just right ahead!

Carl: This is not going to end nicely is it?

Van Helsing: Nope...not for you...

Dracula: Hey! Line Stealer! *is in video room yelling at screen*

Audience: Shut up!

Carl: At least you have a better costume, Indiana Jones! Not much of a difference from what you usually wear anyway...

Van Helsing: Carl...you are soo mean...BAD COW! hahhaha I made a funny!

* * *

_Back at castle_

Anna: Woah... *blows hair out of face*

Dracula: Yupp... I am glad that you enjoyed it...

Anna: Who says that I enjoyed it?

Dracula: Says the girl who dug her nails to my skin,and yelled my name...

Anna: *looks at Dracula and frowns* Don't you use that against me..

Dracula: *laughs* Trust me... I won't...

Anna: I guess...we-uh have to get to that party...

Dracula: Shit!*slaps head to forehead* I forgot! I kept paying attention to you...and..

Anna: Since when you pay attention to women...

Dracula: Since you came around... and you are the one I pay attention to...

Anna: *gets up* Let's just forget that this ever happened

Dracula: So, it's just gonna be that way...you are going to forget about this...what we had back there..

Anna: What we had back there was just lust,Count...nothing else...just leave it be... *puts on costume and mask*

Dracula: *sighes,puts costume on too* Nothing else, Anna? *looks sad* At alll? * kisses her neck*

Anna: *can't take it anymore* Ughh... just...just...

Dracula: *rubs her side* Just what my dear? * turns her around,kisses her*

Anna: *faints*

Dracula: Umm...Anna? *puts spell, leaves her to rest,but body moves by itself*

* * *

Van Helsing: We are here! Ooohh hot chicks..

Carl: Van Helsing...you do know that they are vampires,right?

Van Helsing: Who cares? They are hot! If you see Anna, let me know!

Carl: But... Van Helsing! Oh...never mind... Must look out for Anna...

(Dracula and Anna are dancing...the song is Bottoms Up...lolz modern song I know... Anna wakes up)

Anna: You just had to at least have me at the party,didn't you?

Dracula:*smiles evilly* Of course...you are the guest of honor.

Anna: *looks around her* They are all vampires aren't they?

Dracula: Why,yes...yes they are... why? Are you afraid?

Anna: No. *trembles a bit*

Dracula: You are!

Anna: I am not.

Dracula: Yes you are

Anna: Can you keep that secret to yourself please?

Dracula: Why are you scared? I am a vampire...Aleera is a vampire...you are not afraid of us...

Anna: You don't get it...Think about it... If you were in a place with a bunch of dead people, wouldn't you be at least freaked out?

Dracula: If I were human, yes that would be kinda freaky...there is nothing to worry about...I am here..

Anna: Yeah, act all suavy now, huh?

Dracula: *winks at Anna*

(Van Helsing sees Anna, goes to Carl)

Van Helsing: Dude, I see Anna

Carl: You just noticed that?

Van Helsing: *drinks from bottle*

Carl: Where'd you get that from?

Van Helsing: I found it in my bag...I noticed that there is only blood 'round here...

Carl: Van Helsing, there is vampires allover, that's why...

Van Helsing: Really? *hiccups*

Carl: Oh God, don't tell me you're drunk...

Van Helsing: *crazy eyed* Where is that juicy Sirloin? *sees Dracula,points at him* There it is *fork and knife* Yummmyyy!

Carl: Get a hold of yourself! *grabs Van Helsing*

Van Helsing: AAHHH! The poh-lese ( ''police'' lolz Van Helsing is funny) I am sorry I didn't mean to pee in Carl's lawn...

Carl: Huh? That was you?

Van Helsing: Yup and i am terribly sorry! Sergeant,sherrif...whatever... Ooohhh look at that chick with the Playboy costume

Carl: That's Anna...

Van Helsing: Oh yeah... we need to save her from that juicy Sirloin!

Carl: Alright...whatever you say...

Van Helsing: Stop it right there, Captain Beefy!

Dracula: *looks at Van Hlesing like he's a lunatic*

Anna: Van Helsing...you're here...great... *sarcasm*

Van Helsing: What's that supposed to mean?

Anna: soo stupid... You killed my brother, and you are soo annoying! I would rather be saved by Carl than you!

Carl: I think I am quite flattered

Dracula: Wait, did you just call me Captain Beefy?

Van Helsing: Nope *hiccups* i called you yummy Beefarole

Dracula: No you didn't you said Captain Beefy

Van Helsing: No as I remember it was Drackonut...

Anna: OMG NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN! Van Helsing, drop that drink! *slaps bottle from hand* You said Captain Beefy NOT Drackonut..that is some old shit from like yesterday..and I am not a damsel,so I am leaving now!

Van Helsing: You know I think it was Count Chocula...

Dracula: *rolls his eyes* Wait, Anna don't go...don't leave me with these maniacs..

Anna: See, now you know how I feel...and Carl is not the manaic...he's cool...Van Helsing on the other hand...

Van Helsing: The name is Indiana Jones!

Anna: o.0 Seriously?

Dracula: You know what? I think we should all do something fun...

Carl: Oh thank God something to do...

Dracula: Trick or treating!

* * *

_ Vaseria Village.. _

Anna: Tell me again why we are doing this?

Van Helsing: It's fun! Besides I sold alot of weed so far...

(Kids smoke weed and act crazy)

Anna: Yeah, to children!

Carl: I don't think that its good for them...

Dracula: Oh goodie! I got lots of candy! How much did you guys get?

Carl: Half as much as yours..I am suprised no one is calling bloody murder..

Anna: I would...

Dracula: *looks at Anna* We all know that you would... Yep...you would...

Anna: Don't even mention or think about what happened before...

Carl: What happened?

Anna: Ummm nothing

Dracula: Let's just say that she was detained at that moment

Anna: *glares*

Van Helsing: More houses! More candy! WOOHOOO!

Carl: I guesss I'll come with you, Van Helsing..*walks with Van Helsing to another house*

Anna: Great I am stuck with you...

Dracula: As you always are...

Anna: And, things go haywire when we are alone.. *turns away from Dracula*

Dracula: Yes it does... *moves hair from Anna's neck,kisses her neck*

Anna: Don't even think about it...*holds her breath* I don't want..

Dracula: Relax...I am not gonna bite...unless you want me to...

Anna: Ugh...why torture me?

Dracula: The real question is why do you torture _me?_

Carl: Uh...what's going on here?

Anna: *jabs Dracula in stomach* Nothing is...

Dracula: Thanks for the hit...*sarcasm*

Van Helsing: Was Beefy trying to juice Playboy bunny up?

Anna: You have no clue what you are talking about... I had enough of this... I am going home!

(Anna leaves, all three men watch)

Dracula: *sighes* Women...

Carl: I am gonna take Van Helsing home... if you don't mind sir...

Van Helsing: BEEF IS GOOD!

Dracula: Idiots...

_To be continued..._

**sooooo interesting huh? I would love it if I spent Halloween with them! Van Helsing is drunk and happy, Dracula scored with Anna, Anna is hiding her feelings, Carl is in a cow suit...Everything's good...lolz Hope you enjoyed it! Things will change later on... sooo ummm REVIEW! And I'll give you cookies! **


	7. Naughty Words and gender changes

__

***Sips Coco- Cola* Oh! It's you guys again! Wlcome back! Grab a seat and a snack, it is that time again! I DOM'T own any VH characters.**

Valerious Manor...

Anna: *sighes* What a night!

Carl: Yup, it sure was.

Van Helsing: *cloth on forehead* Oww... What did I miss?

Carl: Alot...

Anna: You were drunk...

Van Helsing: Oh... What's all this candy doing here?

Carl: Uh... we kinda went trick or treating with Dracula...

Van Helsing: What? Why would you do that with Drackonut?

Anna: Well... we were bored

Van Helsing: And, you just had to trick or treat with that juicy bloodsucker

Anna: *rolls eyes* At least, you had the time of your life

Van Helsing: Yeah, which I don't remember!

Anna: It's not my fault you got drunk!

Carl: I am just gonna leave you two lovebirds alone...

Anna: We are NOT lovebirds!

Van Helsing: Yeah, Carl. Do we look like birds to you? *picks his nose*

(Anna and Carl stares at Van Helsing strangely)

Van Helsing: What?

Carl: You are kinda picking your nose...

Van Helsing: Is there something wrong with that?

Carl: *quickly* Nope! Not at all! *whispers to Anna* He needs his meds...big time..

Anna: Yup...

Van Helsing: Yup, WHAT? *werewolf kicks in*

Anna: Stop acting like a jerk!

(a bunny hops in the room)

Anna: Aw, a cute little bunny...

Carl: It's soo adorable!

Van Helsing: Mhmmm...yummy! *chases bunny*

Anna: *slaps Van Helsing* How rude are you? Taking a poor bunny's life! Why you are nothing but a coward! (hahhaa had to add that Wizard of Oz sequence)

Van Helsing: *blubbers...starts crying* You're right! I am a COWARD! (Lolz Van Helsing shouldn't be the Cowardly Lion!)

Carl: Hey! I thought that I was the coward...aren't I?

cubanagurl: Yes, you are, but I only did that because it is funny...

Carl: Oh, well then that makes me feel sooo much better!

Van Helsing: *stops crying* You know what I noticed, Anna's face is glowing!

Anna: huh?

Carl: Yes, Anna is glowing... Your cheeks are flushed...

Anna: Umm... I guess they are...

Van Helsing: Hmm... looks like you just had sex.

Anna: *turns away* What? Of course I didn't have...

Carl: Anna, you are hiding something.

Anna: I am most definately not!

Van Helsing: Did you have sex with someone?

Anna: Nooo... I did not!

Van Helsing: Stop lying! I can tell when someone just had sex!

Anna: Quit saying that word, sex! It's perverted!

Van Helsing: Sex.

Anna: Stop!

Van Helsing: Sex, sex,sex,sex,sex,sex, Anna had sexxxahhhhh!

Anna: SHUT UP! Yes, I did have sex with someone! *covers her mouth*

Van Helsing: Aha! So you did...with who?

Anna: It is none of your business!

Carl: It is our business...actually... the last person you were with was...

Van Helsing and Carl: *gasps* DRACULA!

Anna: WHAT? Are you kidding me? Whta makes you think that I would sleep with Dracula?

Van Helsing: He was the last person that was even near you...

Carl: At the party...

Anna: How would I have the three-lettered naughty words with Dracula?

Van Helsing: She's right... That would be pointless

Carl: How about before the party?

Van Helsing: Good point, Carl.

Anna: Arrrghhhh! NO! For the last time, I did not have sleep with that bloodsucking-handsome- I mean UGLY son of a bitch!

Van Helsing and Carl: o.0

Anna: I am going to bed now...* stomps away* GOODNIGHT!

Van Helsing: Woahh...

Carl: Yep...

* * *

Castle Dracula...

Igor: Master, we got the monster! *drags Frankenstein Monster*

Frankenstein Monster:*sings*Let me break the ice! allow me to get you right!

Dracula: Uhmm..yeah just put him into the ice block..that oughta make him shut up!

Igor: Ohhkayyy *says this like a girl*

Dracula: Don't mind me asking this, but why are you talking like that?

Igor: I think it sounds sexy...don't you think sweety?

Dracula: o.0 Uh...

Igor: You don't think so! You bastard! How could you judge me before you know me! By the way, do you like my nails?

Dracula: Sure... *mumbles* help me...

Aleera: What's going on?

Igor: Your husband is being a bastard!

Aleera: Don't you talk about my husband that way?

Dracula: *in mind* Please get me outta here..I hate ALEERA!

Igor: Scold him...he's a meany pooo

Aleera: Are trying to mock me?

Dracula: IGOR JUST DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO!

Igor: The name is Igoria.

Dracula: what?

Igor: I got a sex change... now its Igoria...

Dracula: Uhmm okayyy

''Igoria'': By the way, Tom from Bloodlite says that his truck got in a crash...and there is no more bottles left...

Dracula: Damn it! Now how am I supposed to drink blood?

Aleera: ME! *points to self*

Dracula: Yeah...uh no thank you *runs away*

Aleera: I feel rejected...

_Back at Valerious Manor..._

Van Helsing: So...what have you learned so far?

Carl: Dracula was Valerious the Elder's son...

Anna: Wait, what?

Carl: I said that well...uhhh Dracula was Valerious the Elder's son...which means that you would be his great great great niece

Anna: OH MY GOD! He's my uncle? HOLY COW? ( Starts talking Romanian..Translation: i can't believe I slept with him! AHHHH Incest! In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit! Oh LORDIE!)

Van Helsing: What the hell did you just say?

Anna: *huffs and puffs* Nothing! I just can't believe that... the whole fricken time he...

Carl: Anna, he would have been you're great uncle... he was Valerious the Elder's son... they kinda banned him from the bloodline...

Anna: Oh what a relief! To think that he would be my uncle...Phew!

Van Helsing: Yeah , I bet you were freaked out *sarcasm*

Anna: *glare*

Van Helsing: What?

Anna:Just nothing...ok?

Van Helsing: *sniffs* Do you smell that?

Carl: Smell what?

Van Helsing: It's coming from Anna, my sense of smell is increasing...

Anna: I am not even wearing perfume...

Van Helsing: Its not even perfume, its cologne..

Anna: I don't wear cologne..

Van Helsing: Maybe it was the mysterious guy you had sex with...

Anna: For Pete's sake!

Van Helsing: Who's Pete?

Carl: Will you two just shut up? We need to find out how to get to Castle Dracula!

Anna: Yeah, well my dad looked at this painting forever...and hasn't seen shit...what makes you think that you would find it out?

Van Helsing: Stop being so grouchy! Don't lose hope I bet you fifty bucks that this right here is the door..

Anna: You have got to be joking!

Van Helsing: Carl, read the inscription on the wall...

Carl: Ok...*reads inscription* Seems to be a piece missing...

Van Helsing: Hold on... *pulls out mini piece of paper*

Anna: Where did you get that?

Van Helsing: I dunno... *finishes inscription*

(Map reveals mirror)

Carl: Groovy...

(All three go in mirror)

Anna: Woah... Castle Dracula..

Van Helsing: You owe me fifty bucks...

Anna: *sighes, grabs fifty from her pocket* Here ya go...you happy?

Van Helsing: YAY! I get to buy more cookies!

Anna: Oh lord...

* * *

Inside Castle Dracula...

Van Helsing: What the heck?

Igoria: How...did you get HERE? That's impossible..Now, sugabuggooms, you could have at least waited for a few more hours...then it would be possible...

Anna: Igor?

Igoria: *jumps up and down* No no no no NOOOO Its, Igoria! Oh and dollface, do you like the outfit...I made it to look like yours..

Van Helsing: *laughs* He..I mean she does like your sense of fashion, Anna!

Anna: *grabs Van Helsing's tojo blades and hits Igoria* Now, bastard...

Igoria: I prefer bitch, or whore...

Anna: Whatever, tell us where Dracula's cure is...

Igoria: why it's right this way...

Carl: Are you sure?

Igoria: Would i lie to you?

Van Helsing: Not if you wanted to live...

(Frankenstein sings.. Van Helsing rushes over seeing him in an ice block)

Frankenstein Monster: I am a slaaaavvee for youuu *sings this*

Van Helsing: I will save you!

Carl: What do we do?

Van Helsing: Well, you and Anna go get the cure with Igoria and I will save the monster...and eat... I mean kill Dracula!

Carl: It's dangerous! The curse would be permenant on midnight...what if its too late?

(Van Helsing pulls out stake)

Carl: I can't...

Van Helsing: You must...

Carl: Alright *grabs Igoria..walks away*

Anna: I don't like this plan..

Van Helsing: Do you think I like this plan?

Anna: No...

Van Helsing: And, you are right!But, this is something that has to be done...

Anna: Since, when you are serious about something..

Van Helsing: Since now...Anna I have something to say...

Anna: What is it?

Van Helsing: Ever since I met you...I got the tinglies...so I guess that means that I lo-

(Cellphone goes off)

Anna: Sorry I got to take this call...

Van Helsing: Screw your call! *slaps the cellphone out of her hand* I am in love with you!

(Van Helsing kisses Anna, the kiss is then stopped, Anna leaves to catch up with Carl and Igoria)

Anna: *to self* That was the most disgusting kiss.. I ever had... who eats Corndogs before a kiss...*shudders* It was sweet of him though *daydreams a moment*

Igoria: There it is...

Anna: I''ll go first..I can't trust a man with a manicure..

Igoria: I am a woman!

Carl: Sure you are...

(Igoria gets mad sets a trap )

Igoria: You try to mess with Igoria, Igoria mess with you! Hhahahahhaha Bitches stay long as you like!

Anna: Ugghh...like I said, never trust a man with a manicure...

Meanwhile...

Van Helsing: Myyyy Bologna has a first name..its 0-S-C-A-R mmyyy bologna has a second name it is M-A-Y-E-RRRRR

Dracula: I wonder whose irritating voice that was...

Van Helsing: That's not very nice you know...

Dracula: You expect me to be nice? I am the villain around here... sadly... *about to cry* What did I do to deserve this?

Van Helsing: You're seriously asking me that question?

Dracula: Why are you being so insensitive? You...you...

Van Helsing: Just say it...I have probably heard worse...

Dracula: Mindless bastard!

Van Helsing: Heartless Faggot

Dracula: Dumbass

Van Helsing: Yummy... BEEEFAROLE!

Dracula: Uh not this again...

Van Helsing: Hold on...I''ll be back *leaves for a second,comes back with fork and knife) Bon Appetite!

Dracula: Somebody help mee...

**CUUTTTT Hope you enjoyed this chappie...the last battle is coming up next! Or should I say, the last DINNER! Lolz Review, review... OR NO COOKIES! luvs ya- cubanagurl**


	8. THE LAST DINNER

Van Helsing Parody! Part 8

**heyy i am sorry that i havent updated in a while... come on I have a life, social life, family stuff... WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? Lolz i am just kidding seriously... I AM DEAD SERIOUS! lolz to refresh your memory, Van Helsing,Carl, and Anna has just made it to Castle Dracula and Anna is still denying the fact that she had a secret affair with someone at the All Hallows Eve ball...we all know who she had it with...the dude with the fangs..GAH! How could i make it more obvious to you pplz! ughhh... i want SOUR PATCH KIDS! Well, getting off-topic.. well this is the moment you have all been waiting for...the LAST SUPPER! 0.O sorry got all bibical for a moment...lolz dont listen to this hyperventialting authoress that rocks back and forth in her purple room asking for cookies or she'll threaten you that she'll stick a butterknife up your #!*% ...0.o well review my loves...enjoy..and dont forget to read about me and MissHaileeR's adventure!**

Van Helsing: *hums as he chops up carrots* lalalallalala.. I am gonna eat me some vamp-chow...chachacha..you know, I have always wanted to do this...REDDD ROBIINN!

Dracula: Seriously?

Van Helsing: Aw, come on...why be a party pooper... you are supposed to say 'yum'...or else..

Dracula: Or else what?

Van Helsing: I will burn your recent copy of Playboy magazine and chuckle with glee!

Dracula: NOOO Anything but_ that!_

Van Helsing: Alright then...REDDD ROBINNN!

Dracula: *unenthusiastically* Yum...

Van Helsing: Hey... you need to be more jolly next time...here have a snack! *sticks apple into Dracula's mouth*

Dracula: *muffles* aghh stupid Van Helsing..

* * *

_Meanwhile.._

Anna: Go ahead...grab it..

Carl: No, you grab it...one thing I know for sure is not to be the first to put your hand in a viscous material..

Aleera:*does some funky impersonation of Predator* GRRRR...

Carl: Woah, i think i just soiled myself..

Anna: Yuck...

Aleera: Did I scare you?

Carl: #!*% yeah! and phew, when is the last time that you ever brushed your teeth..

Aleera: I think a week ago..

Anna: Talk about feminime care...

Aleera: Shut up...at least i..uh...yeah I got nothing..

Carl: You know it smells like beef jerky in here...

Anna: Yeah thats because of all that corn beef you ate at the ball..

Carl: Oh yeah..I remember

Aleera: I have a feeling that something is gonna happen to me tonight..

Anna: To come to think of it...i think you are right... *pushes glass to Aleera*

Aleera: OWWWWW!

Carl: Viscous material, what did i tell you?

Anna: Why dont you get the stupid antidote already?

Carl: Ok! Geez relax...PMS

Anna: What was that?

Carl: Nothing..

Anna: Thought so...

(Both Anna and Carl are about to leave, but Aleera stops Anna)

Aleera: I didnt say you can go...

Anna: Umm well i gave my self permission to go...so see ya!

Aleera: Dont act smart with me you little...little... tramp!

Anna: Thats all you can think of?

Aleera: Come on it was last minute... Please don't judge me...

Anna: Yeah...because i would totally be your friend...

Aleera: Really?

Anna: I was being sarcastic...

Aleera: I knew that... *throws Anna across the room*

* * *

Dracula: Gabriel lets be rational about this...i mean I taste disgusting...ughhh just all that blood mixed together tastes soo icky...

Van Helsing: Were you saying something? I was thinking about using your arms as a taco..

Dracula: Are you out of your mind? out of all my brides, you choose me to eat... why?

Van Helsing: Well, think about it, you are juicy and you seem well...scrumptious...

Dracula: I hate werewolves...they are always so hungry..

Van Helsing: Oh shush...you are just saying that because you dont get to have the meal of your lifetime...

Dracula: I want to ask..just one more time... please..please dont eat me...

Van Helsing: I am not listening...

Dracula: I hate you

Van Helsing: Hmm...i need extra garlic..

Dracula: Wait...garlic?

Van Helsing: Yup..i love me some extra garlic..

Dracula; GARLIC? THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Van Helsing: Ahh this is the best day ever... *pulls out garlic..gets near the Count* Alright stick them in...

Dracula: Huh? *holds his breath from the garlic stench*

Van Helsing: Stuff them garlic in your shirt...

Dracula: How am i supposed to that? I am TIED UP!

Van Helsing: Gee, ..ill do it myself..

Dracula: I got an insanely better idea *evil grin*

Van Helsing: what is it now?

Dracula: Untie me..and i will stuff the garlic in myself...i feel uncomfortable having a man touch me..

Van Helsing: Okie dokie*unties Dracula*

Dracula: Aha! Freedom! I tricked you! how stupid are you?

Van Helsing: *pulls lever,bunch of chains wrap around Dracula* Now, this is why you gotta be prepared...now who is tricked now?

Dracula: Son of a...

* * *

Anna: Oww... I am gonna be sore in the morning..

Aleera: Yes because i am so incredibly EVIL! Mwahahhaa

Anna: oh boohoo I surrender...i am so scared *sarcasm*

Aleera: There are those times where i hate you so much that i picture you hung in my closet dead, while i hit you like if you were a mexican pinata..

Anna: o.0 I think that it would be best to keep those thoughts to yourself..

Aleera: I know...my levels of insanity tends to overlap the sane part of me..

Anna: I think that happens more often than you think...

Aleera: #!*% ! I forgot my medication!

Anna: No wonder...

Aleera: Ill kill you!

Anna: *pops out a silver stake, stabs into Aleera* I guess saying and doing it is not on your list...

Aleera: I saw that coming *dies*

Anna: Finally!

Carl: What a relief!

Anna: I thought you were gonna get the cure to Van Helsing...

Carl: I just had to go to the restroom...

Anna: ugghh CARL!

Carl: Sorry...

* * *

Dracula: I hate my life...I am afraid i have lost my mind...the wall is my new friend..How ridiculous is that?

Van Helsing: Alright, ovens warm...and ready to go!Vamps tenderized and...

Anna: Whats going on here?

Carl: It smells like chinese food in here..

Dracula: I know right..

Van Helsing: Have you come to eat dinner?

Anna: Uhmm no..I am afraid that i already ate before we got here

Carl: *randomly* I wish that the whole world was made out of bacon...

Van Helsing: *gasps* That would be terrible!

Carl: Why?

Van Helsing: I am Jewish...

Anna: You're Jewish?

Van Helsing: Yup...

Dracula: For the love of GOD! *screeches as his skin sizzles* I forgot that i cant say that name!

Anna: Stupid...

Van Helsing: Oh no! the food is gonna spoil.. now it smells burnt...Oh wait thats a good thing...its COOKING!

Dracula: Ugghh...I hate the world... *pats the smoke out of torso* Phew..i felt like I worked out for 3 hours!

Anna: I bet...

Carl: Mhmm.. maybe i can go for some vamp meat..

Dracula: WHAT?

Van Helsing: Alright! how about you Anna?

Anna: Like I said before...I already ate... and I am not a cannibal

Van Helsing: Awww...you suck...

Anna: Besides...would you really want Dracula inside you?

Carl: You know what, Van Helsing, I think shes right...wouldnt that be awkward..

Van Helsing: Pshhh if he's dead, he's cooked, and burned, he aint gonna be possessing you or anything...

Dracula: I dont enjoy people talking about me...

Anna: People talk about you all the time...crappy stuff..

Dracula: Especially you...all the time...

Carl: Yeah she does...like all the time.. she loves talking about you..

Van Helsing: About how she hates your guts...and sometimes slips in the handsome part..

Carl: Wait, i didnt notice that...

Anna: *feels that she wants to kill herself*

Dracula: Really? How interesting *grins at Anna*

Anna: Oh lord... when can Tweddle Dee and Dumm keep their mouths shut?

Van Helsing: Who are those nicompoops?

Dracula: *shrugs chains off* Wow how ignorant are you?

Van Helsing: Thank you

Carl: Van Helsing, you do know that he meant stupid, right?

Van Helsing: Who? Wait, wheres the food?

Anna: I am pretty sure he is standing merely five feet across from you and is dressed all in black...

Van Helsing: *sees a Dwerger five feet across him* Oh yumm!

Dwerger: Huh?

Anna: *slaps hand on forehead* Not there!

Van Helsing: *throws Dwerger in pot* Making some delicious turkey! *stirs pot*

Dracula: Well, there goes another dwerger..

Anna: Poor dwerger..

Carl: May he rest in peace

Van Helsing: Yummm it tastes like guacamole!

Dracula: *dials cell-phone* Yeah, Bob? Interview Jim...

Dwerger(Bob): What? JIM? No one likes Jim...he throws the worse...

Dracula: JUST BRING ME THE LITTLE TWERP! *hangs up*

Anna and Carl: o.0

Dracula: Business call...

Van Helsing: I have the feeling that I am missing something..

Carl: And what would that be?

Van Helsing: Dracula is still here..

Dracula: I have been here for the last hour.. Was i invincible or something?

Van Helsing: oh hi Draconut..

Dracula: Oh gee..

Van Helsing: Get in the pot..

Dracula: No..

Van Helsing: Get in the pot..

Dracula: NO!

Van Helsing: GET IN THE DANG POT! ohh SQUIRREL!

Carl: I am going to #!*% for this... *shoots Van Helsing*

Anna and Dracula: O.O

Carl: I definately needed to get that off my chest...

Anna: I am gonna hate myself for saying this...THANK GOD HE'S GONE!

Carl: Yup...

Dracula: what kind of friends are you?

Anna: who says that we were ever friends with Van Helsing?

Dracula: Well... i just thought that..

cubanagurl: CUTTTT!

Anna: what now?

cubanagurl: Carl, what did you do?

Carl: I am sorry...I..

cubanagurl: YOU ARE AWESOME!

Carl: wait what?

cubanagurl: You just got a promotion...

Anna: Why does he get a promotion..

cubanagurl: He did something none of you accomplished...

Dracula: And that is...

cubanagurl: he killed Van helsing...

Carl: But i didnt mean to..he was just soo annoying...

Anna: I wish I killed him...

Dracula: Me too.

cubanagurl: No need to worry friends...I am gonna give everybody a treat..we are going to STARBUCKS!

Anna,Carl,and Dracula: YAY!

(cubanagurl and the two characters leave...Van Helsing stays bleeding and weak)

Van Helsing: Hey...where ya goin? I am still here...bleeding...weak...ughh...OH SQUIRRELS!

**THE END**

_**I hope you liked the parody...stay tuned for the credits!**_

**Van Helsing: Hugh Jackman**

**Anna Valerious: Kate Beckinsale**

**Carl: David Wenham**

**Dracula: Richard Roxburgh**

**Gravedigger: I forgot!**

**Midgit: You'll never know...**

**Aleera: Elena anya**

**Marishka: Josie Maran**

**Verona: Silvia colloca**

**babies: Gremlins...**

**Villagers: Random pplz**

**THANKSS FOR READINGGGG**

**Special thanks to Starzilla for helping me with a suggestion...Veronagrrl for inspiring me to write, MissHaileeR for helping me and suggestioning the random Carl bits...**

**AND TO ALL THOSE WHO REVIEWED MY STORY... THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME**

**I DO NOT OWN VAN HELSING OR THE CHARACTERS..THEY STRICTLY BELONG TO STEPHEN SOMMERS AND TO UNIVERSAL PICTURES..**

**I love you guys...and REVIEW.. or my dreams will be crushed! lolz- cubanagurl 33**


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